Can We Upgrade You?

Finally! the Ultimate upgrade.

Finally! the Ultimate upgrade.

This morning on a quick stop at the Starbucks for a cup of coffee,It dawned on me how difficult buying anything has become.

After the 5 minute dissertation from the pimple faced cappuchino maestro on the correct size of cup for my selection (turns out Large is Grande) and navigating the menu of a thousand various combinations available to me. I somehow left the store with a regular cup of black coffee ( upgraded to bold for a stronger more aromatic experience) I was exhausted and needed the caffeine to recover from the buying experience. Heck I could not even venture to explore the various “premium baked goods” that complicated the coffee buying experience.

I was glad to escape the line clogged with pseudo intellectuals in various debates over “mocha, lattes, soy milk versus cream etc. cappuchino drinking folks with laptops, blackberry’s,and I-Phones simultaneously texting,downloading,and e-mailing while “relaxing “and reading the Wallstreet  journal.  Wow. all I wanted was a cup of coffee not an “experience”.

And this is how the day began. I still had a number of errands to run in order to keep my simple life functioning. on my meager to do list was a stop at Office Max for a bulb for my desk lamp &  look at a new fax machine, a haircut, and a quick stop at the supermarket for the food needed to sustain life.

I stopped to gas up my car and get it washed. My membership at Waterway includes a discount on gas. ( last year i was sold a car club membership) I self pumped my gas as the eager young man asked which wash I wanted? he proceeded to show me the extensive menu available and tell me about the Hand wax special. sipping my coffee i said ” just give me the premium”. end discussion right?  Apparently not ! ” do you want the wheel deal with that he asked”?  Don’t they do the wheels with the Premium wash i inquired?  Apparently not, if  you want armour all !  I quickly paid my bill and joined the other ” confused looking car club members” as we watched the vehicles run through the soap and emerge clean on the other side. I sipped  my now cool  upgraded aromatic Starbucks coffee and wondered how the automatic wash instinctively knew mine was a ” premium wash”?  I  avoided further discussion or eye contact and made my way to the safety of  the vehicle. after tipping the people at the end of the line for my now $43.00  “premium wash”( with car club discount already subtracted mind you) I drove my clean car to my next stop for a Haircut.

Unfortunately for me, Courtney my regular PhD ( i kid you not ! an acronym for professional hair designer)  gal at ” Hair Saloon for Men”  was off today. but someone would be right with me, i took my complimentary 6 ounce coke and had a seat. I had time to contemplate why I  ” balding middle aged white man” required a PhD to cut my short thinning and receding hair?

After Tiffany my “substitute PhD” navigated and surveyed the obvious limits to her creativity with my haircut, I came face to face with the word “premium” again! It would seem that is the haircut i had been getting for the last several years without even realizing it! after completing my “premium cut ( shampoo & conditioner included)  I was offered the chance to upgrade to a scalp massage for an additional $5.00.  What the hell i thought,  I am just a premium kind of guy!  I left my PhD with the same looking haircut i have worn for 15 years but feeling great after the “premium” experience and scalp massage making my visit a $ tip event.

I jumped back in my clean car with my premium haircut and headed for the Office Max. After wandering the aisles in “Office Max” for ten minutes, i found the replacement bulb center. only to discover the desk lamp/halogen bulb i bought last June ( no doubt a premium item then) had been discontinued.

After 5 minutes searching for a new “premium desk lamp” and several well chosen cuss words, I headed to the office equipment to look at a new fax machine/scanner/copier. $  286.50 and  a half hour later, assured that the latest HP office jet version ten million or whatever it were called, could meet all my needs, minus making coffee washing my  car and giving me a haircut/scalp massage, I made my way to the checkout lane. I had to deflect the 4 attempts to sell me the” Max Assurance” extended warranty plan , upgraded  if I charged it all on my Office Max” premium member copy club credit card , for which I would be rewarded with an additional 3,000 points to be redeemed at a later date for free paperclips or whatever crap added value to my purchase?

I ducked and dodged and left the store having only sustained about $356.00  in damage while having to serve myself. I considered it a success and was anxious to get my groceries and hook the thing up!

Next stop the “Shop and Save”.  Dodging little old ladies with blue hair tint having left their beuaty shop appointments and no doubt getting the “premium hair tint special”  with the tuesday discounts, we jockied and jostled through aisle after aisle grabbing various bargains with deep discounts and price slasher savings!

all of this is extremely dangerous on tuesdays as the “upsell senoir citizen food sample ladies” camp out at the end of each aisle, offering free samples of the latest low fat, no carb, antioxident enhanced , hydrogenated oil free bagel bites with chives and cream cheese”. I damn near lost a finger!

after grabbing my lactose free goose milk with enhanced antioxidents and 4% breast milk, I made my way to the cereal aisle .and after scanning the 4001 choices, located a box of wheaties occupying “prime sell space” and grabbed it holding on for life!

A quick stop In Laundry to pick up “Tide with enhanced stain fighting capabilities but free of harsh additives and enhanced with bleach alternatives” , i was on my way to checkout!

while waiting  inline behind ” Ruby” or whatever name blue haired little old ladies go by, i was able to enjoy being upsold by the 506 items crammed in at the checkout counter, all while reading shocking news! I was completely unaware Brittany Spears had had Elvis’s alien Baby!

before you know it I was able to bag my own groceries and head home !$186.89 later.

I was delighted to arrive at my ” deluxe gated community with lakefront living ” and after using my code to navigate the gate designed to either” keep the nuts out, or In” ? I pulled in to my covered parking space ( wisely upgraded when i renewed my premium lease @ a  deep discount)  and unloaded my groceries and office supplies.

Wow I was exhausted from from living such a premium life and enjoying such savings!

Tonight I plan to just relax and watch my upgraded basic cable with Stars, cinemax, and the HBO super pack,  the message on my cable box informs me i can purchase a pay per view fight for only $49.95 ?

But truth is I will likely be busy contemplating how telemarketers navigated the ” do not call list” to sell me” upgraded premium replacement windows”?


~ by onthedarkside on March 24, 2009.

3 Responses to “Can We Upgrade You?”

  1. This blog’s great!! Thanks :).

  2. This blog’s where its happenning. Keep up the good work.

  3. Love this blog I’ll be back when I have more time.

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