Why I Hate Valentine’s Day


                          A Fictional Tale

 Having always considered myself a proper Englishman  Cambridge educated and devoted Subject of the Crown, and above all a proper gentlemen.

I now find myself at odds with the celebration of this blasted day. ever since my return to Yorkshire at the conclusion of the Falklands war.

As a gentlemen and loyal subject of the Queen. I was called to serve as Minister of the Royal Navy during the aforementioned conflict.

The calling forced my hasty departure from Yorkshire, leaving behind my lovely wife Prudence to oversee our ancestral manor “Pudding Place”.

I left Yorkshire on the 12th of February in the year of our lord 1996 to serve my queen. I swore to return to Prudence at the conclusion of my 1 year commission. Prudence was always the weak sort battling one ailment after another throughout our 15 years of marriage. I would entrust her care to our staff of servants and our good lord. In hopes to return triumphantly to our pleasant life in the Yorkshire countryside in time to celebrate our love and devotion upon valentines day 1 year later.

Turning my full attention to the task at hand, I was able to rally the Royal navy, and combined with the superior forces of the Queens army, we swiftly returned order to these renegade Islands.

Certainly we faced many hardships, war is hell. The tea was absolutely dreadful and crumpets were a rarity. Our supply lines were stretched thin. even a tin of biscuits were a precious commodity in the Falklands.

Having survived war and restoring order to shipping lanes, my commission expired February 9, 1997. Turning over command of the Royal naval fleet to my appointed successor Admiral Cubbage. I set my sights upon my return to merry old England.

The HMS Perverted Limey arrived in port @ Liverpool on Feb 12th. I was anxious to put the horror of war behind me and hold my love Prudence in my arms once more.

I was greeted at the docks by my long time chauffer and servant Reginald.

It warmed my heart to again touch English soil, and see the familiar face of a man who loyally served my family for 5 decades.

While Reginald loaded my gear, I settled in to the comfort of the Bentley, and prepared myself for the 5 hour trip by motorcar, and my return to Pudding Place and the lovely Prudence.

 True to his profession, Reginald had stocked the bar of the Bentley with my favorite cognac.

Having my heart and spirit warmed during the ride, I was most anxious to catch up upon the latest news from home.

“Reginald how was the harvest” I inquired?

“The harvest was wonderful Sir Nigel. Reginald replied.”

 “Reginald how is sport? (Sport was my beloved fox hound) I am certain he is ready to run again I stated”.

 “I am afraid I have some bad news Sir Nigel, Reginald said” Sport has died during your absence.”

“Oh my, what caused his death Reginald? I asked”

 “I am afraid he had eaten burned horse flesh Sir Nigel, the veterinarian said it is lethal.” Reginald explained.

 “My God man, how did sport get hold of burned horse flesh? Sir Nigel demanded.”

 “Well sir apparently it was when the stables burned, and we had yet to clean up all the debris.’ Reginald explained.

 “My god man, are you telling me my stables burned?” Sir Nigel exclaimed. How in the world did this occur Reginald?

 “Well sir apparently it was started by an ember from the main house”. Reginald explained.

 “Clearly irritated I asked, are you telling me the main house has burned as well Reginald? How in the world did this happen?”

 “Well sir Nigel, the Investigator believes it was caused by the drapery that caught fire.” Reginald explained.

“Ok Reginald, how may I ask did the drapery catch fire?”“well Sir apparently the candles from Mistress Prudence’s casket caused the fire”. Reginald said.


2010 ©jkdark onthedarkside.wordpress.com


~ by onthedarkside on February 10, 2010.

2 Responses to “Why I Hate Valentine’s Day”

  1. A Walter Story. Thanks to this day Walt.

  2. Good laugh! Loved it, Kevin. Thank you.

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